Sleep

I know it's been a couple weeks since I've last written, and I took a little time to reflect after the tragedy that befell at my last treatment (for those who haven't read the last blog, I'm not giving anything away).  But I'm baaaccckk!

As I become an old pro at chemo things seem to get slightly easier.  I now have three in the books and only one left to go.  Life seem to be just churning along.  Partly I think it's because I know what to expect, partly it's because I do a better job caring for myself (with all the practice at being a sick person I'm getting better at being a sick person). Will I say things are clear sailing? No.  Its still chemo!  But as of this writing, it hasn't given me any new curveballs.

But what would a blog be without a little whining - so here it is.  I miss sleep.  I miss it so much.  I never wanted kids.  Ever.  Never really played with dolls.  Never fantasized about kid names or if I wanted boys or girls.  Nope - no desire to have those little things.  Why? Because I recognize I am selfish. I wanted a good job and spend all the money I make on me. I wanted to at a moments notice go on a trip anywhere. I didn't want to clean up puke and poop, and most importantly - I didn't want to have to get up at all hours of the night to feed and care for someone and interrupt my 8 hours of sleep.  So this not sleeping crap is really pissing me off.  

Why am I not sleeping? There are so many different issues at this point.  First off, chemo has put me into menopause, which means I have hot flashes and night sweats. I told Brent just the other day if there is a God it's a he, because why would a she have women first off have to deal with a bloody, crampy visit every month for 30-40 years only to have that finally go away and follow up with putting them on fire for UP TO TEN YEARS! Why does mother nature hate women so much??? It just isn't fair.  So I have hot flashes/night sweats thanks to early onset menopause, and they roll through about every hour all night long. Some nights I have up to eight (or more, I honestly stop losing count), on "good" nights I will only have about 4.  In addition, they are probably amplified by the steroids I have to take so I don't end up with Popeye arms again.  The steroids give me a double whammy.  They give me flushing and they cause me to be anxious so I can't sleep.  One of the first nights on my new steroids I was awake until 3AM - wide awake, as if it was the middle of the day.  Finally, add in the stress of dealing with cancer and my brain struggles to shut off as I lie in bed and start thinking about recurrence rates, bills, surgeries, etc.  So it has been over a month since I have had 8 straight hours of sleep - and I miss it, I crave it, I just want to be able to lie down, close my eyes and when they open it will be morning and I will feel rested.  My biggest fear is this is my new reality.  That I will never again have 8 solid hours of sleep. Surgery is exciting for the sake that I will be in a drug induced sleep for 8 hours, how sad is that? I know I have had friends who have the mantra you can sleep when you're dead - and maybe I should be grateful that I'm still alive and kicking even if it doesn't involve sleep.  But I really miss sleep.  Hopefully someday it will return - but for now, I will continue to spend my nights, fretting until I pass out, waking up an hour later so I can kick off the covers, trying to doze off again, only to be woken up again by the sweats until I give up and get up for the day.

But I only have one left! And then maybe I will have the steroids off the table and some of the stress will start to alleviate.  Here is to a full night's sleep!